Turn and Burn: The F-14 Dogfight Simulator (Gameboy, 1992, Part Of February’s Frequent Flier Friday)


Top Left = how it looks on the Gameboy, Top Right = default color palette on the Super Gameboy, Bottom two are my attempts at colorizing it. So what’s your favorite?

No, I did not cover this one already. The other Turn And Burn was the sequel. I guess it’s fitting that my multi-month run of writing more about video games than about politics would come to an end after coming full circle like this.

The Game


You don’t just set the thrust at 99%, you have to hold the buttons like you’re still increasing thrust in order to takeoff.

Remember last time when I talked about the importance of the altimeter and knowing what you’re enemy’s altitude is? Well, this game emphasizes that by not even showing the enemy on your HUD’s radar unless you are centered on its altitude. It does tell you the bearing and altitude you have to match in order to see it, and once you do see it you’re stuck staring at it. Somehow, no matter how fast you go or which direction you turn, the enemy is stuck within range of you, often stuck on your screen at a certain point FAR from your crosshairs, until you check the tactical map. That disengages you I guess.

Turn_And_Burn-Gameboy-missile_targetThanks to the choppiness of the controls, it is very difficult to meet the exacting standards of the bearings and altitudes you are given. Tap the d-pad once and you might hit it only to bounce back to the original direction/altitude. Tap it too hard and you’ll zoom right past it. Tap it normally, and you move in increments of 4. It’s all over the place.

I guess due to the limitations of the cartridge size and screen size your enemies do not have front sprites, just back sprites. Well, that’s a problem because they can still shoot you. I thought I was tailing an enemy jet when


Enemy MiGs look like Space Invaders until you get really close.

suddenly it fired a missile at me. I mean, it is possible at least for some jets to do that, but it’s only ever been done once, and certainly in 1992 missiles would need to be pointing at their target.

Also worth noting, if you’re on the first mission and lose then it’s instant game over, while if you’re on the second mission (or later I presume) and lose then you start over from the first mission again. So… not much point to it really, except that you keep the points you earned on the previous run if you start from scratch without a game over.

I suppose ye be wonderin’ ’bout the story. ‘Tis none, to be sure. Maybe it’s in the manual.


Carrier landings are quite familiar, though the same control issues I mentioned earlier make it feel more like the one in Top Gun.


if you want a portable version of the game, go with one of the Game Boy Advance releases. The controls are way better.


Nicktoons Racing (Game Boy Color, 2000)

Nicktoons_Racing-GBC-titleI never thought I’d ever actually play this game; I bought it off a friend 3 years ago. There were versions of it released for PlayStation, Game Boy Advance, Windows, and even Arcades, so naturally I went with the most reduced version out there. This also happened to be one of the first versions released, alongside the Windows copy that I don’t have access to.

Some versions of the game have a plot, maybe this one does too but that would have to have been written in the manual since there’s nothing about it in the game. As far as you can tell, the game is much like Super Mario Kart where you just have a few random racers driving across random tracks to win trophies.


We start the game with the game’s logo and the appropriate jingle, and once the menu starts we hear another track… the theme to “Rugrats”. This plays until you’ve gone through the options and finally started a race. The only other long composition that plays in the entire game is heard when you’re actually racing. I don’t know what it’s from, or if it’s from anything. And that’s it, just 3 tracks.


The more astute observers in our audience might notice that they didn’t even bother to get the names of those pointy weasels right.

The esteemed roster of racers here includes: Arnold from “Hey Arnold!”, Norbert and Dagget from “The Angry Beavers”, CatDog from “CatDog”, Spongebob from “Spongebob”, Tommy from “Rugrats”, and Eliza from “The Wild Thornberrys”. Plankton is not present, like in other versions. I like the way the racers are drawn here- at this small scale they look almost 3D, like how Donkey Kong Country used sprites made from 3D renders.


At least it lets you have separate names for multiplayer.

You would think that a racing game would have multiplayer capability where you race side-by-side, but you would be wrong. Wikipedia says this game is totally bereft of multiplayer support (my brother has the link cable and I have only one copy of the game, so I can’t test that), but that is just another lie from Wikipedia. This game gives a pseudo-multiplayer experience in that you can have up to four people play the same game, by swapping back and forth when prompted. When other people are engaged in play, the number of laps you need to complete to beat a course drops from 4 to 2, and once you complete a course you hand the Game Boy over to the other party(parties) involved.


The token landmark for the Rugrats course, Tommy’s house. The Spongebob track saw 5 buildings repeated over and over: Squidward’s house, Patrick’s house, Spongebob’s house, Mr. Krabs’ house, and a generic building.

The courses are standard racing fare, but the backgrounds are bland. The same small image repeated indefinitely, with a unique one around where the finish line/start line is. As best as I could assume, you need to play all 20 race tracks to unlock the game’s ending. And the password you have to remember is an absurd beast. 24 characters to enter and remember, just like with Metroid on the NES, but fortunately I learned during my attempt to play Zero Tolerance that my phone’s camera copies such passwords with much more speed and accuracy than my puny primate paw. Watching someone who used 41 minutes of their time to play this full game revealed that after 20 grueling tracks you’re rewarded with a congratulatory message.


Some tracks loop over themselves. If you don’t obey the arrow, it won’t count you as finishing a lap until you follow the right path. But don’t worry if you go astray- the other racers apparently stop if you are too far behind.

The racers handle ok. You can move North, North North West, Northwest, West Northwest, West, etc. In other words, 16 directions. The animation of your rotation is remarkably smooth. Your racer naturally moves faster than the others on a straight track, but at the curves the other racers catch up to you almost immediately. There are powerups laying about the track, which at least in my experience appeared in later laps (you have 4 laps to get through, usually in 3 or 4 a powerup might appear, or lap 2 if you are doing multiplayer). I couldn’t tell what one of them does, but one speeds you up and the third one stops all the other racers.


The music is short, the courses are bland, you can only have 4 racers per race and they flicker in and out of existence like the ghosts in Pac Man on the Atari 2600. In short- not much of a racing game, just some shovelware to remove $20-$40 from your wallet when


How many people in this game’s target audience can even count high enough to figure out how many characters are in the password?

it first came out. I understand some technical limitations on the GBC account for the sprite flicker, but after playing Donkey Kong Country (and Pokemon Yellow, and Mega Man Xtreme, and Mega Man Xtreme 2, and Super Mario Bros. Deluxe, and Perfect Dark) I’m aware that the Game Boy Color has much more capability than you see in this game. So like this article, it’s a quota quickie (because I picked a Tuesday night to travel and I try to get these all done Wednesdays).

You know what would’ve saved this game? Novelty. Let’s see a version where you race as Nickelodeon mascots, racing through their promos (tell me this one isn’t right out of The Exorcist… that might not be the scene I was thinking of, or might just be part of it, it’s been 10 years but you get the point).


Totally worth it to race through nightmares.

WCW: The Main Event (Game Boy, 1994)


On the left is Scott Steiner, on the right is Rick Steiner. NEITHER of them had been in WCW for an entire year preceding the release of this game.

WWE’s biggest pay-per-view event, Wrestlemania, is this Sunday. So like I did with the Super Bowl, here’s a wrestling game.

I have played wrestling games, WCW and WWF/E, across multiple systems. NES, SNES, PlayStation, N64, PlayStation 2, Dreamcast, Game Boy. They’re all the same, or at least all where you’re supposed to be wrestling. You get some exceptions like Wrestlemania Arcade which are exceptional, but I’ll look at that one next year maybe around this time. Right now I’ll do a “if you’ve played one you’ve played them all” review focusing on WCW: The Main Event.


In 1997, both of these men were in the WWF. Thanks to the “Montreal Screwjob”, R. Rude would only last 3 months in WWF before returning to WCW in anger.

For those not in the know, WCW (pronounced “dubbya-see-dubbya”) stands for World Championship Wrestling and it was WWF/E’s biggest nemesis in the 1990s. WCW was backed by Ted Turner who was siphoning profits from his other projects to support what I’d best describe as a company full of government workers- overpaid, unfireable, and often rewarded for bad behavior because of poor oversight. Anywho, the 1980s and early 90s WWF ended up effectively being the talent developing arm of the WCW. 80s stars like Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage signed up, while folks like Kevin Nash and Scott Hall who were bounced out of WCW ended up finding their footing in WWF and then returning to WCW after achieving popularity- not as a conspiracy on anyone’s part, it’s just that WCW started writing checks they couldn’t cash once they ran out of Ted Turner’s money (Turner’s company merged with another, and the new company found that WCW was a giant loss, and they didn’t really care about wrestling anyway), kind of like socialism and the fall of the Soviet Union really… so yeah, overpaid government workers. But for a time, WCW was dominating WWF. 80 or so weeks. WWF survived the onslaught… and then lost to a greater nemesis, a power neither company could ever hope to defeat- the World Wildlife Foundation. So WWF had to rename to WWE.

The game in question here came out prior to WCW’s height, prior to when they’d even think they could stand toe-to-toe like they did with WWE. In other words, prior to when they brought Hulk Hogan onboard. 4 months prior, in fact. The more astute observer might be wondering why WCW giant Ric Flair is absent. Well you’re not the only one! Instead we have the Steiner Brothers, who left WCW two years before the game was released.


THERE’S NO HULKAMANIACS HERE! I’VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE!” Image from WWE… not that they’d want it.

So… WCW could’ve pushed back the release date of this game, removed the Steiner Brothers, and replaced them with Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan (because by the time they got through removing the Steiner Brothers and drawing Ric Flair, Hogan would’ve been onboard with WCW) thus making this the 2nd video game where you could have a match between the two (the significance of that is Hogan was as synonymous with the WWF at the time as Ric Flair was with WCW, so it would be like playing out the rivalry between the companies, like that weird HHH v. Sting match at Wrestlemania 31). All of the characters used the same moves so all they had to do was replace the Steiner Brothers’ sprites with hastily-drawn Hogan and Flair sprites banged-out in an afternoon! Seems like a missed opportunity to me.

Another advantage to waiting- if the game were released in June or July of that year as opposed to February when it actually did come out then it would’ve A: capitalized on sales of Game Boy games to parents trying to keep their f$%#ing kids quiet for three g#%$@mned seconds on long car rides to summer vacation destinations and B: capitalized on the publicity of Hogan signing with WCW. And no, they did not need 2 years to manufacture the game- Doom on the Sega 32X wasn’t even finalized 2 MONTHS before its release date!

You know what the weird thing is? 5 months after Hogan joined WCW and won its top championship title, WCW released a game on the SNES that didn’t feature him. It would be another 2 years after that before any WCW game was released.

The Game

WCW_Main_Event-outside-ringAs usual, I have no idea what’s going on here. I’m just mashing buttons and hoping something happens. A winning strategy- as in I won two matches. I might’ve done better if I knew how to escape a pin. The computer did that a lot, but I couldn’t. So, in other words, it’s like any other wrestling game I’ve played! I’m sure this would be a trifle more bearable if I had the instructions. Unlike some other games, I feel I might actually have a shot at winning in this one if I had the manual. So… buying used didn’t pay off afterall.

As I mentioned earlier, each wrestler is imbued with the same moves. Punching, bouncing off the ropes and kicking in the air, suplexes (suplexii?), jumping off the ropes which as far as I can tell can’t be dodged and pins you instantly (if the computer does it), and some kind of piledriver.

You get several game modes, but they all end up being the same- pin the other guy more times than he pins you. You can either do a one-off bout to win, or go with the elimination option and systematically face the whole roster. Timed matches mean you get to pin him as many as you can in a set time, or you can do just 1 pin and win, or 2 out of 3, or 3 out of 5. And you can either just compete to compete or set it so that you win a title if you win. Doesn’t matter, none of this affects the gameplay.

The Verdict/My Take/Whatever I Usually Head This Section With


What is going on with Ron Simmons’ sprite? I mean, DAMN he looks like the Robot Monster got to him.

This seemed easier than other wrestling games like it that I’ve played. The most comparable ones I guess would be on the NES since they too were 8-bit with only 2 buttons to work with, and this came off as easier than those. Even easier than any of the other ones I’ve tried, with three or four buttons or more allowing for complicated move sets.

I like fighting games. I grew up on Mortal Kombat 3 and Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3. I lost a summer beating Ultimate Mortal Kombat on the DS with every character. Take it from me- WWF In Your House and Wrestlemania Arcade are the only two wrestling games that are like fighting games! The others are… well, wrestling games I guess. Though with fighting games getting more complex, maybe in modern times the two once-distinct styles are blurring together. I haven’t a clue. My fighting games are 2D/sprite-based (except the first two Virtua Fighters)  and that’s the way I likes ’em!


Also, when you play as Ron Simmons, apparently the other wrestlers beat the black out of you.

Donkey Kong Land (Game Boy, 1995)

Donkey_Kong_Land-cartridgeI ran through this one around Labor Day, but again the War Games series delayed it. It seemed like an appropriate follow-up to Donkey Kong Country on the Game Boy Color.

It follows roughly the same story about retrieving bananas from King K. Rool (with different reasons as to why he has them), but the levels are wildly different with only the opening level appearing to resemble Donkey Kong Country. Backgrounds, models, and sounds were allegedly ported from the SNES copy.

You progress through four different worlds with only a smattering of levels looking like they take place in the same areas as Donkey Kong Country.

Some Gameplay Features

Donkey_Kong_Land-exclamation-rambiIt plays like a mixture of the SNES and GBC Donkey Kong Countries. You have one monkey visible at a time, but that monkey is animated to ride the animal buddies like in the SNES one (the GBC one has you transform into the animal).

The sprites are BIG. Like I said, they are just transferred from SNES to Game Boy. Some transfers don’t look like they happened too well though; the banana bunches are huge.

As mentioned in the last post, in the SNES Donkey_Kong_Land-bananasDonkey Kong Country you visit Candy Kong to save, while the Game Boy Color counterpart saves automatically. Not the case here. In this one, you have to collect all of the letters to spell out “KONG” in a level in order to save.

If you don’t get everything in the level, you don’t have to beat the whole thing again. You just have to go back in and grab what you missed. I believe this was the case for the stamps and bonus rooms in Donkey Kong Country on the Game Boy Color, but can’t say for certain because I never deliberately risked it.

Ever play a game where you thought the programming was fighting you?


Something is missing… (aside from the character sprites, those disappear when the game is paused)

At various points you must climb ropes. Well, if you fall off, instead of going back to the screen below you simply plunge to your death. Or if you fall off a short rope, with plenty of time to grab onto its bottom as you fall, the game might simply kill you before your character has fallen more than a couple of pixels. If there is a platform RIGHT UNDER YOU, from which you could jump up to the rope, and you fall off the rope, the game might decide to kill you. It might not! I don’t know! And if you jump onto the rope and there is an enemy on the other side, your character will automatically swing to that side of the rope and into the enemy. And in one instance, that is all but unavoidable.


King K. Rool shrank during the salting process.

Here’s how it happened to me- I jump off to grab something and then fall to the bottom as a shortcut. I had to jump from a rope to another rope to the object, then fell to the ground after grabbing the object. If I miss a jump, I fall to my death even though it’s the same uniform ground under me. Worse still, I missed the jump later on and DIDN’T fall to my death. The game will arbitrarily decide if it does not want you to recover, and trigger the death screen which means it fades to white and takes you back to the overworld. If you are hit mid-air and have both DK and Diddy, you might respawn back where you jumped, or you might just die, depending on how the game is feeling that day.


Exclamation points mean you got everything in that level. The purple rocks on the right are obstacles that can’t be passed without picking up something in one of the levels.

Sometimes, if you hit a bee, and if you have land right under you visible in the frame, and you have both DK and Diddy, you will still lose a life. Then other times you lose just one person. Or in my case, I lost a life and when I started again I just had DK, even though when it killed me I was playing as DK and had Diddy in reserve. Normally it should just have taken DK and left me with Diddy, to continue the level. Instead it killed me as DK, and then Diddy was gone when I restarted the level. Oh yeah- at the halfway point in this level there are no more DK barrels, and this particular bee guards an item needed to proceed through the level, an item you can’t get without taking a hit from it. A hit that will kill you instantly.

It’s not just bees either, there was a jumping kremling that was obviously bouncing off the ground. Only problem was that the ground wasn’t in frame (it wasn’t even a high bouncer either). Naturally when I hit it, having both DK and Diddy, the game registered it as a lost life.

Even if the floor is just BARELY offscreen and you fall, you will plummet to your death.

The level right before the boss- there is a point where a cannon shoots you straight up. Sometimes I miss and fall back harmlessly to the ground. Other times I miss and die. Everything I am falling onto exists, I am not falling into any pits.

So… yeah. No rhyme or reason except the capricious nature of how merciful the programming feels at that particular instant. It’s like a coin flip is done to determine if I live or die.


All that work just for this,

Do You Recommend It?

Donkey Kong Country (GBC) is superior. At least in that one it’s consistent on whether you fall to your death or not! The low lighting can easily be worked around- just play on something with a backlight. But mixed-up falling physics? You can’t fix that, you’re stuck with it.

Super Game Boy Compatibility

Donkey_Kong_Land-super_gameboy_titlePlugging into the Super Game Boy doesn’t do much for this title. It’s still in black and white, aside from the title screen and menus. About all it does for the gameplay is let you use a TV and give you a border around the screen. Nothing to write home about.


Barely tints it, playing it on a Game Boy Advance gives more color. Different levels have different tints though. This image is testament to me beating the game, because a glitch erased all my data minutes after this picture was taken.

Donkey Kong Country (Game Boy Color, 2000)

Donkey_Kong_Country-GBC-CartridgeI believe I mentioned this a little while back. Turns out I ended up beating it before that post was published. (To qualify this point, I beat it in June but didn’t get 101% completion until the end of August). But then the midterms came and priorities shifted. I can’t very well make a game about monkeys from 2000 fit in with the “Cold War nuclear holocaust” theme, despite the obvious references to certain Cold War movies about damn dirty apes. So finally, here we have Donkey Kong Country on the Game Boy Color. Something light to get you through this holiday week.

16-bits of data crammed into an 8-bit sack.

Donkey_Kong_Country-GBC-BeeIt’s Donkey Kong Country on the SNES, but stripped down for the Game Boy Color. I’m playing it on the Game Boy Advance, and that’s the sad part of the story- if they’d just waited even a year they could’ve simply skipped all of the work for the Game Boy Color and instead done a straight port of the SNES game to the GBA. 3 years later, they did just that.

The story goes that King K. Rool (what a clever name…) stole all of Donkey Kong’s bananas, so now you must fight his henchmen and the king himself in order to retrieve your high-potassium treats. And no, stealing your bananas does not weigh on the king’s conscience.

You can play as either Donkey Kong or Diddy Kong. You swap who you play as in the stage either by pressing the “select” button or by an enemy taking out one of your characters. If you have one character left, you can break open a fresh replacement from a DK barrel.

Each stage has at least one bonus room in which to gain either bananas or lives. If you collect 100 bananas, you get a life.


Is that an ox?

Diddy and DK have animal friends. You can play as each of them, both in levels and in minigames that are accessed by retrieving 3 golden idols of the same animal.

Barrels with stars on them act as a checkpoint in a level- break them, and every time you access that level after losing a life you will start at that point in it. When you lose a life, the game ejects you from the stage to the overworld map.


Yes, there are differences with the SNES version.

  • The colors are paired down, the deep background is usually not particularly detailed or even just one color, as opposed to the SNES which had much more detail.
  • One stage was replaced by a new one.
  • Instead of riding animals you become them. Only one monkey is visible at a time.
  • Some of the lighting effects are different- in stages with fog the screen just fades slightly to gray, in the one stage where the parrot follows you with a flashlight and illuminates 2/3 of the screen with a seizure-inducing brightness every time you move too far to one side of the screen on the SNES, on the GBC the whole screen illuminates.
  • Saving is done automatically in the GBC version, whereas you needed to visit Candy Kong in the SNES version. You can still visit her in the GBC port, but she provides a minigame instead.
  • The music in some stages sounds like a Game Boy counterpart to what is on the SNES, but in other stages it’s something completely different.
  • They added stamps you need to collect to add to the overall completion percentage.
  • And some levels had their intralevel warps removed. These are warps that take you from the beginning to near the end of a level. The only oversight was Slipslide Ropes, that one is still in there.
  • And in one of the levels, the entrance to a bonus room was moved to the other side of a hill. One of the cave levels.
  • The GBC version provides on its main menu, in addition to the regular game, minigames and stickers you can print with the Game Boy Color Printer.

    The lights snap on for the parrot, though with a backlit screen you don’t really need it.


    In the SNES version, when the lights go out they are OUT. No stage is visible. Not like here, although this is a backlit GBA SP model. On the standard GBA, it might as well be lights out for all intents and purposes given how little you can see.

    Complaints Department


    Left is how it looks on the original GBA (picture was taken in the most ideal circumstances I could contrive, on average you would not see this much), while right is how it looks on a backlit GBA SP (distinct from frontlit models, the backlit ones came later).

This game was next to impossible for reasons outlined below. To summarize via example: it took weeks for me to beat the game on the original Game Boy Advance, but on the latest SP model that had a backlit screen I beat it twice in two days (once without any star barrels for saving halfway through a level, the other without any DK Barrels which would allow me to take extra hits from enemies and obstacles). Every level. In a week, I must’ve beat the game 2.5 times, because to get full completion you have to find every bonus stage in the levels, in addition to beating the game without star barrels and without DK barrels.


Their Shellder wannabe is in black and white, I assume just ripped from one of the other Game Boy Donkey Kong games.

Some things shouldn’t have been done. The villains, and sometimes the player, blend into the colorful backgrounds. This does not seem to be a game designed for a portable environment, unless your screen has a backlight. Game Boy Colors did not come with that feature (though there was one planned). (pic of shark, caption where am i? am I here? No no no, am I there? No no no).

The collision box for Donkey Kong varies between too small to pickup bananas unless they cross a few pixels in the middle of his chest, and very huge when enemies are nearby. This only aggravates the need for sufficient lighting at all points of gameplay.


The main menu is taken from Donkey Kong 64. Except DK doesn’t look like a maniac serial killer in the console version.

Minor in comparison to the rest, but the game does have points when there are too many enemies on the screen which slow it down, but as I recall this really only was noticeable in just two levels.

Overall Impression

I was impressed by how they almost completely stuck the SNES game, hailed for its advanced graphics and gameplay, onto a Game Boy Color cartridge. It desperately needs to be played on a system with a backlight, but if you do that it’s an interesting look at an interim measure for making a portable version of the first Donkey Kong SNES game. Aside from the novelty factor, I might lean towards recommending this one over the GBA release if you don’t have a DS or a backlit SP. I assume the GBA release’s more faithful lighting use would make it nightmarish to play on the standard GBA.

So… did anyone else notice how Mine Cart Carnage’s music had a few notes from Indiana Jones’ theme, and that Millstone Mayhem’s music had a few notes which sound like they match the vocals in “Sweet Victory” by David Eisley? Juuuuust enough to let you know what they’re going for, without a lawyer letting them know they’re going to be sued.


The Hunt For Red October (Various, 1991-1993. Part 3 of the War Games series)

If you’ve never heard of it, pull your head out of your butt, actually look up what Family Guy references ya hipster millennial jackanape, and at least watch the gallderned movie.


Image from uproxx, property of WWE

As the midterms approach and the Democrats continue to run on impeachment (why does the Left’s drive for impeachment against a Republican sound familiar?), so that they can start a new Cold War or something, let’s take another look at some more Cold War games… that came out a little late. Sort of.


It was a flat orange-ish color for the NES on the left, it just came out like that because of the screen used.

Today, we take a look at defectors. Historically from the Cold War, foreshadowing defectors in the Left’s future Cold War, as well as looking at political defectors from the Left.

Since the game is based on a movie based on a book, let’s just get the game out of the way first.

Game Boy


Yes, that was the best picture I could get.

Lousy, but it is one of only two video games I know of (that was made before any hipster with a phone could produce an app) whose title screen features a hammer and sickle and the Soviet Anthem (because those hipster-commie bastards who think (if you can credit what little activity in their brain there is as such) mass murder is trendy (1 in 5 millennials in the U.S. think Stalin was a hero) or take the Pulitzer-winning NYT’s stance that it doesn’t happen, and are so used to their parasite lifestyle of mummy and puhpah giving them everything in the world that they can’t conceive of how an economy based on free stuff would fail, and hate America because this country should not exist according to their ideals and their favorite tenured professors who also live at someone else’s expense, would just loooooove to make an unironic Soviet game with a title screen like that, if they haven’t already). That alone makes it awesome.

No save feature, no password screen, no continues, and you die pretty easily. I was surprised at what happened with my playthrough- I struggled for an hour total over two days to get through the first level, but when I did it was an instant breakout the likes of which we haven’t seen since what Obama gave Russian ally Iran in the nuke deal. I tore ass through the next two levels, and then died at the boss for level 3.

Hunt-For-Red-October-Game-Boy-MapYou face other submarines, destroyers, aircraft carriers that send up depth-charge dropping jets (F-14s are what they look like, which is weird since they are incapable of hunting submarines or even using anti-submarine weapons). But you have some help in this. You can activate Red October’s caterpillar drive, which inverts your sub’s colors and makes people stop shooting at you unless you pass too close. You also have a limited number of missiles that are way stronger than your torpedoes. Just like the Blue Marine, you have infinite torpedoes. Soviet engineering; it’s no wonder they ran out of money and collapsed.

The levels are just long horizontal courses you must navigate your submarine through. Islands that float on the surface but have nothing under them, random large collections of rocks that dwarf your 198m submarine, that are way larger than an aircraft carrier, just floating about 120m under the water’s surface with no geological feature holding them up. Also in each level we have a boss. Level 3’s caught me flat-footed since it has cannons that knock you out in one shot (which you start in the line of fire of) and depth charges that knock you out in I believe 3 shots. I lost all my lives and called it quits, because this is a very frustrating game. Luck is all that propelled me that far. I knew mine had ran out.

Hunt-For-Red-October-AtlantisAs far as I can tell, it’s a very loose adaptation. In the movie, Red October didn’t blow up other submarines (except the one, but Red October didn’t fire a shot), didn’t fire missiles at helicopters and jets, and didn’t face random bosses that I don’t even know what the heck they’re supposed to be. A giant naval mine that shoots torpedoes, an undersea base that sort of reminded me of Atlantis’ central structure, and some kind of underwater death pagoda. I watched a YouTube video of the rest of the game- apparently the 3 bosses I faced are repeated in harder variations, then two different bosses, then you’re done after 8 levels. And I lost it on level 3. We ain’t doin’ this, the “L” in “Flagg” stands for “lazy”!



on the left is the Game Boy’s intro, on the right is the NES’, both had the radar sweep spawning the hammer and sickle, I just took the pictures at different points.

It’s a similar intro to the Game Boy, we even get the radar graphic. But the title screen is different, just the movie logo. And you don’t get a menu or anything, the moment you press start you’re thrown right into the action. You don’t even get the map showing where you are. But that plays into the different cutscene setup, I guess. This game featured dialog from the movie in between levels. It’s the only one that does, at least as far into them as I was able to play.


They a did a good job with the Russian Ambassador on the right. I assume the guy on the left is supposed to be David Stockman.

Hunt-For-Red-October-NESThe control configuration is also slightly different. The levels though look way different. Your submarine looks like a bigger version of the Game Boy sprite, one of the enemy sub types seems to have carried over, and I think one of the surface ship types too, but that’s it. Different levels, more varied enemies, and different hazards, such as the iceberg level involving ice falling on your sub this time. Sure ice is buoyant and shouldn’t be falling on you and shattering on the iceberg under you, only to have the pieces bounce up and fall again, but… explanations and science. I’m playing as Captain Marko Ramius here, not Captain Cold! I’m not some Ice Man that knows all about ice!


I strongly doubt the Soviets called anything the “Arctic Zone”

Just like the Game Boy game, you get some lives, and can add to them if you pick up the right item, and like the Game Boy version once they’re all gone you’re done. No passwords or continues, the game restarts as if you just turned the power on and off, just as the Game Boy version does. So no, I did not beat it. It’s harder than the Game Boy version


It’s also the only version with the Paramount Logo


One more point of interest- if you’ll look on your right, you’ll notice that the HUD is way different on the screenshots for the back of the NES box compared to the screenshot I showed of what really was in the game. The colors look a little faded for the water and icebergs in the ice stage, compared to the screenshot, but that may just be because of poor printing processes on the box or poor picture quality when taking it.


Hunt-For-Red-October-SNESWell, FINALLY someone bothers to explain what the missions are! The Game Boy version just throws you into them, the NES version does too but at least puts dialog from the movie into the game to make the contrast between what was on film and what you’re doing all the more obvious. The SNES game goes in a different direction and shows the missions the sub has, with as much effort to tie it into the movie as the Game Boy version. And they all make so much since. I mean, what Soviet Captain WOULDN’T want to stop arms dealers while on his way to defecting? It’s a no-brainer!


There is exactly nothing in both the book and the movie about illegal arms merchants. What the hell is this?

The inter-mission screen looks like an upgraded version of the Game Boy game’s, and the HUD looks like a 16-bit version of what you’ve seen so far in the NES and Game Boy games. But here we get more weapons, and the torpedoes are no longer unlimited. They also don’t home in on the enemy, an enemy that is now harder to kill because it can endure more hits, even the most basic enemies.



The SNES version introduces a new mode of gameplay, for I guess secret bonus stages or something. You have to pick up an item to trigger it. We get a first-person view of enemy boats in the distance and enemy attack helicopters coming at us. This is designed for use with the Super Scope. Mine is not on-hand and I wouldn’t waste my pack of 20 Toys ‘R’ Us AA batteries on it. Well, 18 of them anyway. The makers of the game obviously wanted you to suffer for not having a Super Scope, because when just using the controller your aiming cursor crawls along the screen like a depressed sloth (ie Eric Holder after he quit).

October, 1943, Two soldiers of the American army loading up a bazooka gun during training exercises in England during World War Two

Pro Tip: Minimize interruption of gameplay when using a Super Scope by having a buddy replace expired batteries.

The SNES version added an innovative feature- if you lose a single life, the game resets itself. I guess you could justify that by making the claim that it’s also easier than the Game Boy and NES versions so you don’t need as many lives, because I made it all the way through the first level on my first try. So I didn’t learn about this until level 2. No passwords or save options here either.

Did I comment on the music yet? I should. Both the Game Boy and NES versions start off with 8-bit versions of the Soviet Anthem while the SNES version has… silence. The Game Boy version has some custom music for its levels. The NES version does too, though it’s a different tune and it’s AWFUL. Hey buddy, you know there’s more than one instrument and more than four notes, right? Anyway, the SNES version gives us generic public domain music. I’m not sure about the menu or Level 1, but Level 2 was Night On Bald Mountain (which at least is Russian) and the Game Over screen is Beethoven’s 9th. Ode To Joy for a submarine captained by a Soviet defector sinking; I always thought Comrade Beethoven was more Marx than musician.


I have a strong suspicion about whose bright idea the Game Over screen music was. Either that or every time you die in this game Conrad McMasters breaks into a vault. Which do YOU think is likeliest? Image from macduff1797

The powerups are different too. Instead of grabbing a wrench icon to repair your ship like in the other games, you grab… a snail. Between this, the weird missions, and the soundtrack I am going to go ahead and make the assumption that the SNES version started out as a different game, and maybe a whale or a Nintendo-Not-Ecco-The-Dolphin was swapped for Krasnye Oktiabr. Even though it was the third one released it just felt and sounded way too different, like someone had a game that played similarly and gave some graphics a Red October paint job.

The Story Of The Story

The Tom Clancy novel came out in 1984. Plenty of Cold War tension still existed, to the point that we even had Russian reversal in full swing (particularly its variant of in Soviet Russia, Democrat asks Russians to interfere in Presidential election- and ignore the Politifact debunking, they cite an article that outright says this was the case to support their claim that this was false). Heck, just one year before, MI6 stopped a rogue Soviet general from executing his scheme to invade Western Europe unopposed. But these video games came out later- the NES and Game Boy ones were released within the 11 months preceding the USSR’s collapse on Boxing Day 1991 (Japan and Europe though didn’t get the Game Boy release until 1992), while the SNES version came out in 1993.

As is obvious from their labels, the games were released as tie-ins to the movie, which came out in early 1990 (about 4 months after the Berlin Wall fell). Still some Cold War tensions in this time sorta maybe, but not having been cognizant of the realities around me at the time I can say at least in hindsight it seemed the Cold War was on its way out. (Maybe that’s why liberals are so eager to start a new one- the first one ended under George H.W. Bush, a Republican, after 12 years of Republican Presidents. Democrats are jealous- they want to start a new Cold War so that they can claim to be the ones that ended it, like how Obama undid a lot of progress in attitudes towards racial equality so that the Left could exploit it for future elections… even if their candidate is a snow-white elderly millionaire).

The Story’s Story

As you may have gleaned from the trailer and what I’ve said in this writing thus far, the plot centers on the efforts of a Soviet submarine commander to reach America, dodging the Soviet Navy, while the U.S. Navy tries to help him (while standing by to blow him out of the water in case they’re wrong about his intent).


Hollywood was ahead of its time. They were Reds before the country turned red in 2016. Hollywood (and the media) spent the election cycle screaming until they were blue in the face. Image from Medium

Frankly, I’m surprised that Hollywood made a movie out of this and that the video game industry made a tie-in. Hollywood was quite enamored with commies, and liberals like our Hollywood elite saw (and still see) the USSR and its ilk as the closest thing to paradise that the world has achieved. Heck, liberal/friend-to-draft-dodgers/hero/peacenik/Sen. George McGovern (D-SD) said that the South Vietnamese would be better off if they stayed under the North’s occupation instead of fleeing to America, that the North was trustworthy in its promises not to hurt them. You can guess how well that went for the South Vietnamese left behind; McGovern should really have put down the Astro Boy manga for a few seconds (As for the refugees, those of you who claim racist Democrats became Republicans after the alleged great civil rights racist switcheroo of the 60s, take a look at how your valued Democrats including such luminaries as Joe Biden and Jerry Brown treated Vietnamese refugees with Brown’s own appointee saying a “large minority” group would be “unwelcome“… and of course your liberal Democrat friends at the time were the ones that voted to cut off aid to Vietnam, leading to the refugee crisis which these Democrats you have on a pedestal refused to handle, refugees which according to liberals at the time should never have existed because America was to blame for everything and the North was really not so bad and there’d be peace once America left and this is so pervasive of an ideology that I spent hours searching Google and found little related to North Vietnamese war crimes much as this 1972 NYT article laments, It’s almost like after the war everyone decided the North were angels or something (or in the case of the American Left, during the war) and the Americans were sadistic butchers (note that the BBC readily used the debunked Turse book)… so I guess in regards to treating communist oppressors as heroes and being their propaganda agents, not much has changed (read how willing Ted Kennedy thought the media was to help the USSR spread a message calling for America to disarm), since Obama ended our program for accepting Cuban refugees who might actually like America while advocating for and passing orders helpful for some openlyantiAmerican peoples looking to become citizens… and I noticed a decidedly leftwing bias in the Google search results for trying to find examples of illegals hating on America ie my searches only showed results talking about discrimination faced by illegals, what a shock, especially after the North Vietnam search trouble I mentioned. Granted, my searches improved slightly when I used the terms “undocumented” andDREAMer“).

Uh… where was I? As for the video game industry, I always just assumed they were lefties because all creative and tech types tend to be that way. Find me an Art major (different from Arts… but really kinda the same) or someone in Silicon Valley that doesn’t have Das Kapital memorized and hasn’t burned an American Flag. Plus, you know, stuff sort of creeps (the folks at that link go way overboard in my opinion, but they raised too many good examples to disregard it- don’t you just hate it when someone you disagree with has a point? It’s like saying they’re right about X legitimizes their wrong views on Y and Z.) into their work.

Re: not knowing the intents of the Soviet sub commander, that was the way it was. We had no idea if someone with nuclear missiles was coming to defect or destroy (good thing card-carrying communist and Obama acolyte John Brennan was not head of the CIA then- he’d take his orders from Soviet Moscow just like the party he voted for in 1976 (and let’s be honest- just like the spirit of the party he currently serves), so Red October would be a dead duck) A little less serious now, the Russian Federation isn’t that much of an adversary, but the Left’s aforementioned nostalgia for the Civil Rights Movement and now I guess the 60s in general- since they want/don’t want a proxy war (in Syria this time) and want a new Cold War- makes it so that a situation like this would be just as terrifying today. I mean, maybe this is just part of that remake-itis that has swept across Hollywood and brought us such gems as that recent Ghostbusters movie- the Left now wants to remake the 1960s, but updated for the 2010s.

Liberal Defectors

It’s worth mentioning how the Left treats people that defect from it (like saying all the people who voted for Obama twice are now and always were racists for voting Trump): just as badly as the Soviets treated their defectors. Liberals are always sure to give their ex-


Go on, try to defect. The guards need a little excitement to keep themselves sharp. Image from wikimedia

comrades the Trotsky treatment. If you’re homosexual, well… you’re not even part of the LGBTQ community anymore according to them. If you’re black you’re an “Uncle Tom”, and this goes for other races and genders with equivalent slurs replacing “Uncle Tom” (sometimes regardless of if they know what your political affiliation is, they might be racist to you because you are part of a government agency they don’t like, just ask ICE). If you’re a Muslim, you’re an extremist (according to Facebook’s, Amazon’s, Twitter’s, and Google’s approved fact-checker SPLC) if you dare challenge the radicals in your own religion (whose radicals employ a very Liberal style) according to Democrats. If you’re a woman, not voting the way the Left tells you that you must vote means that you’re incapable of thinking for yourself, and you’re letting someone else control you- the men in your life, either your father or husband or son or that male friend you have or some male relative or your male boss. If you’re a liberal I guess you don’t really catch the irony here of telling someone they’re willingly enslaved by someone else if they’re not blindly enslaved by you, so I needed this sentence here to make it clear to you.

And then of course there’s how the Left treats Conservative defectors. Parade them around (Communist regimes in general kinda do that with those who defect to them), but give them nothing significant (part-time pundits that rarely say anything worthy of RealClearPolitics or worthy of debunking like on Newsbusters, like David Jolly and George Will, are hardly significant) and maybe let them disappear once they’ve outlived their usefulness (anyone remember Jeff Flake? He was in the news…). Similar to the Soviets’ treatment of Western defectors, really. I mean, given how much the Left hates Trumpers, I find it hard to believe that deeply-entrenched hatreds just disappear the moment someone changes their party label, just as you find it hard to believe that simply electing a black President means America is no longer racist, right?


Here are pictures of liberals being tolerant that one time half the country expressed dissent against their policies. Images from AP, RWC, Fox News, and Quora

As I mentioned in the California piece, all this happens because the Left can’t tolerate dissent, and certainly can’t defend its policies. Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, the future of the party, has become the poster-child for this. Listen to her talk- she hasn’t a clue. So naturally when a conservative host challenges her, she refuses. And tries to equate challenging her on her beliefs to sexism, meaning that asking her to explain why socialism works would be a sexist act. According to her. Huffington Post reliably endorsed this method of not explaining your views.

She outright says that she does not have to explain her views to anyone, and says any males asking will be labelled as sexist. “Don’t challenge me, just do what I tell you, otherwise you face punishment, I’m right and anyone opposed to me has an ulterior motive because I’m so right on everything that no other points of view are acceptable.” This coming from the party that says women who vote Republican aren’t thinking for themselves, from the self-proclaimed party of tolerance and intellectualism. Well, Ocasio-Cortez IS a socialist (who tried to sell medicare-for-all by saying it would cut funeral expenses, because to her I guess the VA scandal never happened or soldiers don’t matter. Given her desire to slash military spending to fund her corruption-ready programs…), and every socialist government has this kind of governing style where they tell you what you are supposed to think and you’re an enemy if you dare object, and intellectuals love communism, so there you go.

And ironically, the same media that carries Ocasio-Cortez on their shoulders as the next big thing are the very same ones worrying that Democracy is at an end. What kind of Democracy is it where you’re only allowed to think and vote in one way? The USSR held mock elections (so fake that voters stopped voting and just wrote on the back of their ballots what the problems were in their area), I guess that’s the kind of Democracy liberals in the media and liberals like Ocasio-Cortez want. Ocasio-Cortez did say she was all for universal employment, I guess that means politicians get to keep their jobs too.

I suppose you’re now calling me a hypocrite.

You’re the party that claimed Trump was bad for attacking a gold star family after the father attacked him, and then you went and attacked the mother of a cancer survivor because she thanked Trump’s son for donating to a childrens’ hospital.

I admit, I rarely hesitate to toss insults at the Left and probably seem about as welcoming to a defector as the 38th Parallel’s DMZ. Well, darn it I get so flustered seeing


It would be a little more welcoming if it were greener (not Army green but green green)… and had fewer landmines. Image from thrifty nomads

the Left spew insults about people like me to the majority of the country and across the world, certainly way more people than anyone on my side could ever hope to reach! Think about it- if you insult me, it can be on social media to millions of followers worldwide because you’re a celebrity, in a movie that millions worldwide will see and will provide millions of dollars to you to fuel your messaging against me, on one of the big three TV news providers or part of your 2-1 cable news advantage (CNN and MSNBC vs Fox News, BloombergTV and CNBC vs Fox Business), in printed media which your side dominates whether it’s books or newspapers or magazines, in any artistic field from poetry to painting (NEA grants are only given to liberals, just like arts organizations, which makes the kerfluffle about Trump defunding NEA hilarious because it means liberals aren’t even willing to privately fund their own art projects despite all the Silicon Valley billionaires, liberal millionaires, and celebrities like Rosie O’Donnell), in most forums, blogs, online publications, and comments sections of websites and YouTube videos and the like, ie everywhere on the internet- which seems dominated by liberals- (that’s more of a qualitative assessment), in our public schools and universities (which follow the Communist Party model of telling you what to think, not allowing for contrary opinions, like in Europe which is no wonder why the Left says they’re the model to follow, which make it ironic when the Left complains that people who vote against them are either brainwashed or not thinking for themselves), and in our living rooms if we watch just about anything on TV that isn’t Fox News, from late-night “comedy” shows to prime time programming, all of which is consumed by people worldwide.

Then of course there’s the wealth gap– your side whines about Republicans and dark money and the like, when your side routinely raises much more money. You complain that the rich are destroying the country when most of them vote Democrat. SO- money and mouthpieces are all on your side, and all insulting me for daring to disagree, despite every fact I base my views on still being available for you to consume, and the biases of your fact-givers disclosed, if you dared to do more than listen to the party line. How do you think I’m going to react, greet your side with tea and cookies? To me, I guess much as it is to you, your defectors are just people who decided that racism, corruption, poverty for all, and mass murder are bits of history not worth repeating. Bravo?

What Do You Think?

Looks like such a fun game, vote Democrat and make it happen! Consider the party you want to support. Vote independent if you don’t like the Republicans, write-in someone’s name. Just don’t assume that the Democrats are any better just because they claim they are. Unless you’ve read all there is and somehow think an inverted Cold War with America as the commie superpower and Russia as the leader of the not-so-free world is the best possible scenario. I bet you’re one of those liberal writers who thinks there are no such things as heroes, so you want to self-destruct the closest country in the world to that state and make the world stage just some game of morally-gray-to-morally-repugnant superpowers clashing with each other. You sick psychopath.


Missile Command (Various, 1980-2001. Part 1 of the War Games series)

Missile-Command-WarheadOne night politics and video games attended the same party. They got very drunk and had triplets (known as “Rockman Zero 2”, “Rockman Zero 3”, and “Rockman Zero 4”. Those will be addressed when/if I decide to play them again). But politics and video games met again, in a sleazy bar near downtown Detroit, and this article and any I can think of to follow in this series were born from that second drunken tryst. (Their third tryst, which is memorialized by stains of Old Crow and bodily fluids on the Corinthian Leather of a 1980 Cordoba, gave us Mass Effect 3 and a generation of SJW games.) 

As we watch the Democrats peddle their warmongering interventionist and laissez-faire let’s-wait-for-war attitudes, ie as they play their war games on their way to the fall brawl known as the midterm elections, where voters will probably vote Democrat to bring us nookular annihilation, I’ll take a look at some literal war games. Cold War video games, anyway.


Image from WWE.com

Today, we address the Left’s push for World War III or at least a new Cold War- by looking at the Cold War thriller “Missile Command”.

Alias “Warheads(Not to be confused with Warhead 2000)

Depending on the version you play, you have between one and three missile defense platforms. You aim their salvos with a helpful cursor. You fire your anti-missile missile at incoming enemy missiles. And smart bombs. And these Sputnik/flying mine things that fly by. And enemy bombers (that oddly look like B-52s in some releases, making me wonder just which side you’re on in this game, especially given the modern leanings of game developers). Once all of your cities are destroyed, your game is over. The same effect might also be achieved if your missile platform(s) is(are) destroyed early on in a round, because that means the rest of the missiles will come in unopposed and flatten your cities. It looks something like this (a scene from the big blockbuster of 1977 that Fox had to delay releasing until Fall, releasing some obscure flick called Star Wars to whet the audience’s summer appetite instead).

You have a finite amount of missiles too, by the way. In later rounds as the action gets faster and incoming missiles become more numerous, you’ll start running out.


To defend against Fake News, one has to be able to counter the overwhelming number of claims. While distracted by one, another comes raining down, then another. Sometimes you can take down multiple claims in one shot. But eventually you’re not fast enough and are overwhelmed. What game does that sound like to you?

Strategy for stopping the smart bombs varies game-to-game. As far as I can tell, I think in the Genesis or 5200 version, the best strategy is to direct them (via detonating your missiles in front of them) into a city that’s already destroyed, or that you don’t like. The cities represent real American cities, so send the smart bombs to the second city from the left (San Francisco) or second city from the right (Los Angeles). They’re the liberal cities that most voted for nuclear war; let ’em have it. As for the other releases, smart bombs can be destroyed.

This Time, The Game Is Real


Nike-Hercules missiles were armed with nuclear warheads and deployed across the country to defend against incoming Soviet bombers. This example is from the Tank Museum in Danville, VA. This picture was taken before I was kicked out, because SOME people just don’t like it when you repeatedly hit a nuclear warhead with a hammer! Typical nanny-state BS.

The game is grounded in reality, sort of. We had such missile platforms all over the country, but they were designed to take out squadrons of Soviet bombers  (we tried to upgrade them to take out some short to long-range missiles, but that just kind of stopped when the Soviets started focusing on massive ICBM strikes with hundreds of warheads instead of bombers). ICBMs of course are faster. A faster interception system was needed, and although we never got any such projects off the ground this game depicts what appears to be the Nike-X project (it was downgraded to Sentinel, which gave less coverage and could repel far fewer missiles, and then became Safeguard. Sentinel was both met with heavy protest, from the Left of course who found missile defense to be too belligerent. Ironic how the Soviets called it “imperialist warmongering“, just the sort of thing the Left (sources like Common Dreams,


Noo-cue-lar combat toe-to-toe with the Ruskies is a man’s job, that’s why he gets the helmet deary

Marxists.org, counterpunch.org, globalresearch.ca, londonprogressivejournal.com, houstoncommunistparty.com, monthlyreview.org, leftvoice.org, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez who is the future of the party) refers to any U.S. overseas action or military buildup as today (globalpolicy.org and monthlyreview.org had examples of this belief, globalpolicy even linking missile defense to imperialism) (the Left also thinks colonizing Mars is imperialist and an example of “male entitlement”, so congratulations Democrat, this is the allegedly pro-science pro-truth group you are supporting. By the way, I have a bridge in Brooklyn for sale if you believe that the Left is pro-science), the same anti-Imperialist-anti-US-warmingering Left that wants war with Russia (note that after a century of brutalizing its own people and others worldwide, the only thing that made Democrats stop loving Russia was allegedly helping Hillary lose, not that whole “Soviets killed tens of millions of people” thing, so remember that when Dems say they’re compassionate and care about others) and celebrated Obama’s hawkishexcept-against-Islamic-terror-foreign-policy… and wanted Hillary The Hawk to win).

Hippie liberals, who now run the colleges and to an extent the DNC via the radical protesters they are producing, protested heavily against Safeguard being installed because they were afraid it would trigger an arms race or a pre-emptive attack or some such rot. And now these same hippies and their progeny (both ideological and biological no doubt) want to piss off Russia enough that they’d send nukes our way, right into the country they left undefended. In fact, their radical President wanted to disarm the U.S. entirely, their President who said Russia was our friend. If we are to assume that your side of the aisle is as intelligent as you claim, that means you KNOW that your decades of protesting the military and disarmament talk left America weak, your protests against missile defense left us defenseless, thus you must know that your demands for war with Russia mean the destruction of this country that you left undefended. Therefore, if you’re as smart as you claim to be, you’ve deliberately disarmed America to make it easy for Russia to destroy it. That fits with your antiAmerican procommunist proRussian rhetoric, which was the norm until your almost-century old position on Russia changed with Hillary. So unless you admit to gross incompetence, admit that your side is not particularly intelligent, we can only assume that you want America to be destroyed. For those who think I’m being a little hyperbolic and exclusionary, keep in mind that the Left for decades has believed anyone who doesn’t vote Democrat is a racist. ANYONE.


“Peace!… n-no wait WAR! Uh… I NEED MORE TIME TO ANSWER!”

So tell me, liberal, just what the hell are we supposed to do to Russia when they “hack our elections” and make your candidate lose? If we have no nuclear weapons as you want, what do we do? We saw in the aftermath of Hawaii’s accidental missile alert that you liberals have no stomach for confrontation if you think it’ll actually hurt you. You began screaming at Trump to tone down his rhetoric against North Korea (all the while you still were very vocal against the much more heavily-armed Russians). So let’s say you decide to sanction Russia- they just have to threaten a nuclear launch and you’ll shut up and impeach your President for endangering you, unless you mean to tell me that all your rhetoric against Trump over his North Korea talk was just a bunch of garbage. No, I guess you won’t.

Speaking of that Hawaii incident, and blaming Trump for inflaming the situation, remember how Obama was ready to go to war with North Korea without even seeking negotiation? No, I guess you don’t. Definitely not your Senator who went after Trump after the false alert (then again even when combined with Kamala Harris’ vast intellect we find that both Senators have just enough brain activity to show that even people not in comas can be vegetables. Throw in Maxine Waters and you might have the same amount of activity as in tomato sauce. And no, liberal, it isn’t racist or sexist to say a minority or a woman or some combination thereof is an idiot. Plus, I think white male Adam Schiff and white female Sally Boynton Brown are similarly impaired, while white male Joe Biden is slightly above them because I’m pretty sure he just babbles to himself rather than deliberately lies, and I have a low opinion in general of the predominantly white anchorage at CNN. Or are you going to say I’m racist against whites, because last I heard from you liberal that was impossible). Actually, the Left is still ready for a war with North Korea, at least those liberals on the mainland who wouldn’t have to face an attack. 71% of liberals polled don’t want peace with North Korea if it means Trump gets credit for it.

Meanwhile, the creator of Missile Command found nuclear war to quite literally be a nightmarish scenario. Unlike the Left today, which would rather we have a nuclear war with Russia because they can’t admit to themselves that Hillary was a terrible candidate, and want a war with North Korea too if it means Trump’s reputation is hurt by it.

A Quick Aside On The Russia Warmongering

We the public don’t know that Russia leaked the DNC emails. Mueller’s charges mean nothing, and most of what was in his indictments of the Russian hackers was two years old at least, and reported in mainstream outlets as far back as June 2016, meaning that Mueller’s timing was rather suspicious given that he released the indictments around the time Trump had a major summit with Putin, apparently sitting on this info for his entire first year as Special Counsel. As for the indictments, Mueller knows damn well those Russians will never see a day in court so he doesn’t have to prove anything, doesn’t even have to be able to prove anything. Remember: Clinton associate and strategist James Carville said grand juries can indict a ham sandwich, meaning indictments flow fast and free through them.


Mueller looks like he could be John Kerry’s brother.

Mueller himself has a history of pursuing innocent men and burying evidence showing innocence (he was head of the FBI during the anthrax case when prosecutors buried exculpatory evidence, and Mueller personally led that case), so his credibility is further diminished. Mueller was also very good friends with Former FBI Director James Comey (who helped Mueller prosecute innocent people) so we have in that a certain motive of retribution against Trump on Mueller’s part, which also explains the good timing that even the liberal media admits to in regards to Mueller’s indictments.

Wikileaks denies it was the Russians; there is evidence to suggest it was an inside job. Not that it even had to be, John Podesta’s password could’ve been cracked by a ten year old. Besides, if the server hack was such a damning thing, why did you liberals destroy anything that could provide evidence for your complaint? The only reason you would is that examining the servers would prove that no hack took place. Just like the only reason you would oppose a deal that would allow Mueller to question the indicted Russians is because you are afraid Mueller would have to prove his case.

You also contend that Russians colluded with Trump to get him elected. This lumped with the email hacking constitutes your sole reasoning for wanting war with Russia. There has been an army of bureaucrats and elected (Adam Schiff) leakers in the government complimented by a nation of journalists, all with a strong hatred of Trump. Yet in the two years since Trump obtained the votes needed to be the Republican nominee, not one shred of proof has surfaced. Now how about that, the best you can do is assume debunked and implausible documents like the Steele Dossier are true or say that US Intel Plant Halper giving a story to George Papadopolous who talked about it to the Australian Ambassador/Clinton Donor was somehow collusion.

The hardest evidence you have, the only items you’ve been referring to when asked for solid evidence aside from vaguely circumstantial stuff, are the debunked Steele Dossier and the intelligence assessment that you all kept touting as confirmation from 17 agencies that Russia interfered. I’ll write it here for your convenience- it did not involve 17 agencies, and was an intelligence ASSESSMENT. That means political hack and confirmed liar John Brennan assembled a team of yes-men who came up with the THEORY that Russia interfered, that is what an assessment is, it’s what that little committee theorizes, NOT what really happened (but to a liberal I guess the difference is only semantic, because what they think and feel are the only realities they acknowledge, as I’ve established in other items). And the debunked Steele Dossier was used in drafting the Intel Community Assessment in question. Oh, and Obama of course ordered this Assessment to be done.

Let’s Look At Some Quantities


I’m getting a lot of mileage out of this chart C-Gaymer found.

Given that most of those in the Journalism industry are leftwingers, it’s safe to say that at least 22,241 reporters have motive and opportunity to research Trump and any connections to Russia. Now let’s add in every Democrat in Congress (193 Congressmen and 49 Senators), every member of those 242 Congressmen and Senators’ staff, every sympathetic contact in the private and public sector that they have, every leaker and anonymous source the liberal media uses, every Democrat in the bureaucracy, every liberal blogger, every liberal hacker, every liberal professor who might have academic means of research, private investigators these groups might employ (like Fusion GPS), every liberal in the DOJ (who tried to fabricate evidence against Trump, the Steele Dossier, which wouldn’t be needed if there was anything really there), every millionaire and celebrity in Hollywood plus billionaires like Tom Steyer and George Soros with their massive networks of personnel and followers nationwide, most of the tech industry which easily has access to all of Donald Trump’s tweets and Google searches and things like that, and it’s easy to assume that we’re talking about a group of people larger than the population of Iceland (maybe even larger than England), with more money than the GDP of Russia at their disposal, with a cyber army on par with the NSA and as capable of hacking elections as any Russian group, and the backing of multiple parts of the U.S. government from Congressional offices to departments in the DOJ to state-level offices and attorney generals. This massive ball of hatred has had two years now to work on this.

DESPITE all of this at their disposal, enough raw power to destroy whole countries, DESPITE all of the time that they’ve had to research, they can’t find ONE SHRED OF EVIDENCE that Trump colluded with Russia, nor can they provide solid evidence that Russia hacked the DNC servers, even though they have Russian oligarchs with access (as we know from when Clinton cash made its way to Russians, maybe even oligarchs close to Putin to loosen their lips and make this whole “we’ll reveal Putin’s evil plan while risking our lives for some guy we haven’t seen in 7 years” thing credible, through Steele in exchange for the debunked Steele Dossier), even though they have access to SPIES in the Kremlin as the New York Times leaked (which probably means we HAD a spy in the Kremlin, thanks to our intrepid reporters who just threw a life away even though they seemed scared to death that this very consequence would happen if someone leaked the identity of  Stefan Halper as the informant from the Trump Campaign- notice that NOT ONE of the folks like Senator Warner who said Congressmen could be charged for trying to unmask Halper or the folks in the media who said intelligence would be irreparably damaged from the ‘Halper reveal’ SAID WORD ONE about the Times’ leak that we have a spy in the Kremlin). Maybe you understand NOW why your Russian collusion claims seem so ridiculous? If your side brought that same power to bear against Russia itself or China, you could probably bring those countries to their knees both in cyber and economic zones. Instead, you focused all of it on Trump, and have come up with nothing after two years.

Alright, I think that about covers why the Russian warmongering is just another “U.S.S. Maine” (the press exploited the incidental explosion of a battleship to drive America to war with Spain, just like the press is exploiting the incidental leaking of emails to drive America to war with Russia, except this time the enemy has teeth and will ironically incinerate liberals by the millions. The only time I’d ever want to be at ground zero for a nuclear attack is at NBC, ABC, CBS, or CNN headquarters (or in Senator Hirono’s office, I’m lumping her in here because she never condemned Hillary demanding missile strikes on Syria and a no-fly zone where we’d shoot down Russian jets, nor did Hirono condemn the media and her colleagues demanding war with Russia) and see the look on the face of one of these warmongerers as Russia responds to their threats in much the manner they kept saying North Korea would respond to Trump’s heated rhetoric).

Uhhhhm… You Mentioned Different Versions?

Oh right! Well, I said this mixes politics and the game, so I became a skosh sidetracked.

Atari Ports


Naturally, we get one for the Atari 2600. One of the selling points of that console was having arcade games at home. As you can see this is a version where you get only one launcher to shoot down enemy missiles from. In later ports with 3 missile launchers, 3 buttons are used to differentiate them. The Atari 2600’s standard controller had only one button.


Yet another port where you have only one tower with which to shoot down missiles. Sure the 5200’s controller had a dial pad like a telephone, but it’d be kinda hard to use the joystick and the dial pad as would be needed to control three towers. The original arcade version used a trackball, so unless you got the trackball for your Atari 5200 you’ll be hard-pressed to emulate that experience with other ports. Not that you need it, the 5200’s joystick worked well enough. It was my favorite control setup, very responsive and swift. As you can see in the upper right, on the 5200 the incoming bombers are American B-52s.


During a marketing campaign to prove the Atari 5200’s rugged durability despite its large size, Atari executives arranged for the U.S. Air Force to land a B-52 on one.

I was surprised to learn, but to the best of my knowledge, there was not a Missile Command port for the Atari 7800. You’d think they would’ve put their hit game on that console, but you’d think wrong I guess.

Sega Ports







The Sega Master System version (from “Arcade Smash Hits”) sort of plays like the real thing. You get multiple launchers too. As you can see, this is not about you defending American… or Soviet… cities. It’s about a race of Tangelas protecting themselves during an interplanetary war.


The cursor on the Game Gear version (part of “Arcade Classics”) moves like a sleepy Hutt, but the incoming missiles are slow as well. Feeling like you’re trying to move a heavy bookcase by pushing it across carpet is not conducive to a good gaming experience.


The Sega Genesis port (part of “Arcade Classics”) does not particularly stand out in my mind. As you can see they took some liberties with the designs, and apparently made commercial airliners into nuclear bombers (a reversal of what was actually done), but there isn’t much more to talk about here.


With the Sega Saturn version (part of “Arcade’s Greatest Hits”, the gold version, also released for SNES and PlayStation) we get into the realm of arcade-accurate ports. Or emulations. Probably emulations.


The Dreamcast version (part of “Atari Anniversary Edition”, also released for PlayStation) takes this arcade-accurate emulation to its logical conclusion by simulating an arcade machine’s monitor. This also shrinks the amount of space your game takes up on the TV screen, and the shrinkage is very noticeable in the graphics. You can see the difference for yourself if you have this copy because you can play it in either arcade cabinet or fullscreen mode.


There is a Super Nintendo port, on the gold “Arcade’s Greatest Hits” cartridge. But clearly I do not have it. Same goes for the Game Boy Color version, which I did not know existed until just now.


I do have the Game Boy version. It’s lumped in the same cartridge as Asteroids, titled “Arcade Classic 1” (there were more, at least 2 more, in the “Arcade Classic” series on Game Boy). The game is obviously enhanced not just beyond the original story, but beyond the Game Boy’s capabilities. If you plug it into the Super Gameboy you get some colors and an arcade cabinet around your screen.


Controls on the Game Boy Advance version (on the “Atari Anniversary Edition” cartridge) aren’t that good, it’s like your cursor is sliding on ice. It’s otherwise a great port, and even manages to give you three missile launchers. Looks like it’s more or less an emulation, like the Saturn and Dreamcast versions.



The PlayStation had a remake, with a different plot than the Cold War terror and graphics altered to suit (just like the Master System and Genesis versions. The Atari 2600 release had a different story, but it was clearly just a port with no extra touches). Same with the Atari Jaguar’s Missile Command 3D. The PlayStation remake offers a 3D, first-person perspective as you man a missile-shooting aircraft. This version also offers a more familiar mode of gameplay, pictured left.



In the game it’s “Warheads”, on the CD label it’s “Warhead”. Released on the FunPack CD with clones of other games (like Pac Man, Asteroids, Tetris, and Super Breakout), we get the Missile Command clone Warhead. Yes, it’s legitimate. I think. My parents bought it in the early 90s from a store, probably a big chain store since they don’t seek out small used video game shops and there certainly weren’t many around, so it must be. The FunPack version has tiny explosions and the missiles move kind of slow, so your aim needs to be more precise than the original. This works on Windows 3.1 through Windows 98. I don’t know if it’d run on anything stronger than that, even with Windows 98 the Pac Man and Tetris clones do not function right.

What Do You Think?

Looks like such a fun game, vote Democrat and make it happen! Much as Trump undid Obama’s legacy, I suspect Democrats, if given the majority in Congress, would work to undo Trump’s. And then in 2020 we’d get President Kamala Harris or President Elizabeth Warren, who’d bring back tensions with North Korea and become such hawks against Russia that Queen Hawk Hillary would tell them to take a chill pill. Because nuclear war with Russia and North Korea is what their base wants these days. Obviously, otherwise they’d vote these warmongerers out of office or at least support the peaceful foreign policy initiatives Trump has pursued, right?

Trump killed 200 Russians with his missile strikes in Syria, that’s 200 more than the past two Presidents combined. Democrats think that killing only 200 Russians, expelling diplomats, and increasing sanctions means Trump is too soft on Russia, a treasonous collaborator and a Russian puppet. That’s the bar Democrats set- meaning their idea of cordial relations with Russia under Trump would be if we nuked only Moscow. So who will YOU vote for? Or maybe just sit this one out…


Donkey Kong (Game Boy)

Donkey-Kong-TitleDo I really need to introduce this? It’s Donkey Kong, but on the Game Boy. Warning: some changes were made when porting from Arcade to Game Boy.

You play as Mario in the archetypical battle of man vs. damn dirty ape, because this one Donkey-Kong-Mariowon’t keep his stinkin’ paws off your maybe girlfriend (it’s assumed, until Mario later trades in this generic-lady-being-kidnapped-by-a-monkey for a princess-being-kidnapped-by-a-lizard. Based on the character art for her in Super Mario Odyssey, we know Mario’s girlfriend from Donkey Kong went on to strangle cats). You have to hop and climb your way through the stages to rescue her.

Of course the 4 stages you get are based on the arcade, though I’ve read they were scaled back a little to fit on the Game Boy. I wouldn’t know, I’ve only played Donkey Kong on two non-consecutive Atari systems and the Colecovision. I had the e-Reader version but I haven’t touched it in 15 years and probably lost most of the cards.

Donkey-Kong-25mAnyway, unlike the other iterations of Donkey Kong I’ve played, there is a timer on these stages. Once you’re past the 4 from the arcade, you go on to another 93 stages. I didn’t count; I had to rely on the internet to tell me. They predictably ran out of ideas along the way and repeat the first stage, but with a different art pattern (castle instead of construction project). Some stages also allegedly came from Donkey Kong Junior, who himself appears in this title to help his pep-pep.

The stages get more complex as you progress. Your main task after the first four, aside from in the boss battles, is to move a key from one part of the stage to another, similar to some levels in the American Super Mario Bros. 2. Each stage after the first four and excluding the boss fights also give you three items dropped by your girlfriend: her purse, parasol, and hat. It’s worth the trouble to collect all three of them in each stage, as doing so gives you a chance to get more lives in one of two minigames. One is a slot machine, the other is best likened to a roulette wheel or wheel of fortune. If there is a pattern for when you will get a certain minigame, I don’t know it.

In addition to more stages, Mario has more moves. He can swing from a thin line (a tautDonkey-Kong-Stage-1 rope or power line). Another one of the new moves would go on to show up in Super Mario 64 in a modified form- when he leaps onto his hands and then bounces very high. He can do that either stationary or in motion. He can throw barrels like Dash O’ Pepper, and when standing on his hands he can even stop barrels from hitting him, and then throw them afterwards. We also have the opportunity to see Mario swim. I was hesitant at the first such occasion, since in the original versions of Donkey Kong any fall into a pit meant death. I assumed the water pits were the same, and was pleasantly surprised when they weren’t.

Just like Mario’s Picross, Donkey Kong is enhanced when played on the Super Game Boy. Unlike Mario’s Picross, it really is enhanced. You get more than just a unique border- stages and maps are colored. Donkey Kong and your girlfriend are sometimes colored. Mario… either changes his race (it is fluid you know) or gets jaundice. While I enjoyed the SNES’ presentation, portability was needed for me to complete this game.

Most of the time, things are not so difficult. At least for me. However, there were some stages (such as the final boss) that definitely qualified as difficult. But it’s not as difficult as its successor, Mario Vs. Donkey Kong. Very similar in gameplay- no doubt in part because originally it was to be a remake of this game- but with a much greater difficulty level. I got stuck somewhere in there over a year ago and never looked back.

Donkey-Kong-Game-Boy-CartridgeUnlike Mario’s Picross, I have some criticism here- Nintendo seems to have run out of boss ideas the year this game was released, 1995 (despite the release date, this game is usually referred to as “Donkey Kong ‘94” because that was its title in development). The final boss battle has Donkey Kong taking a super mushroom or two and growing to gargantuan size. Basically, this is the Gamma battle from Mega Man 3, or the Wily battle from Mega Man IV. Donkey Kong’s head sits in the middle, and he attacks with his hands. But that’s not the real reason I cried foul. In 1995, we have another battle where a traditional Mario villain is supersized and mostly in the background: Bowser. This was the year Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island came out. And the villains are fought in a similar way too- chucking objects at their heads. Why couldn’t we have had a gigantic robot Kong of steel instead?

The game passes the time. The puzzle elements kept me coming back, because I didn’t want to be outwitted by yet another Mario Vs. Donkey Kong-style game. I managed to wrap things up in a week or two of intermittent playing, if that is in any way useful for gauging how long it would take to beat the game. At least you come away from this with more knowledge than I had going in- this isn’t a straight port of Donkey Kong to the Game Boy. Yes, I did think that when I saw it in the store (used, no box, no manual, two excuses).

Mario’s Picross

mario's-picross-title - Copy

He’s watching…

It’s a plotless game. A plotless puzzle Game Boy game. A powerful plotless puzzle Game Boy game. Perhaps playing powerful plotless puzzlers pleasantly passes protracted periods. Excuse me.


What’s their game?


Is this a picross? Image from New York Times

The purpose is to draw a specific picture using the “instructions” given. For what there is of a plot, you are playing as Mario at some Egyptian ruin “chiseling” the images because he doesn’t want ants to get at them or something. He doesn’t know, he was drunk. The screen is taken up by a grid with squares for each space (unlike a certain other “grid” for “leveling up”). The controls allow you to mark a square so that you know not to chisel it, remove a mark, chisel the square, or unchisel one (this is only useful in Time Trial, for the other modes any tiles you chisel that should not be chiseled are unchiseled automatically. Chisel Chisel Chisel Chisel CHISEL!).

You are given grids of varying sizes in the tutorial stage and easy mode. The normal


Is THIS a picross? Original image from Village Inn

mode presents only 15×15 grids. Regardless of size, you’re given 30 minutes to finish a puzzle. My cousin picked it up, started randomly guessing spots, and was out of time inside of 30 seconds. That’s because when you chisel the wrong area, you lose a bit of time on the clock. Each wrong area takes away increasingly larger chunks of your allotted time, with the largest being 8 minutes.

The tutorial is of course a good starting point, but to me its explanation about the numbers to the left and on top of the grid was faulty. I probably just misread it. The numbers are the “instructions” for each picture- they tell you how many squares to chisel in the row or column they line up with. They don’t tell you where in the row or column that the chiseling needs to happen, just the amount that needs to be done and in what order it should be done. For example: “5” means five squares together need to be chiseled while “5 1 2” means five squares together need to be chiseled, followed by one square, followed by two squares. Each one of these sets of chiseled squares would be separated by at least one non-chiseled square, so it would look something like 55555x1x22 where x is a non-chiseled square.

Tips (I usually do 15-20%)

There are shortcuts to take, and every puzzle is solvable with the information given,

mario's-picross-puzzle-a - Copy

The puzzle grid. Notice how I used my tip to fill in the 2nd row from the bottom a little bit. Chisel on, fellow players too cheap to buy stuff that lets you take a proper screenshot!

so no the game is not broken. We’re just dumb as hell. The most useful shortcut I found was that if you’re told that you need to chisel a group greater than half the number of spaces in the row or column, you can chisel the center spot safely. So if you had a row of 15, and you needed to fill 8 together, you can chisel the spot that’s in the middle (8 spaces in). If you had a row of 15 and you needed to fill 10 together, you can chisel out the center 5.

So… that’s about it. There are at least 192 puzzles, over 128 of which are 15×15. I say “at least” and “over” because once you complete the first 192 you get a Time Trial mode, wherein the mechanics change somewhat in that you have an infinite amount of time to solve a puzzle and you are not told if you chisel the wrong space. Unless my memory is failing me, the first puzzle I completed in that was unique from the previous 192, so that potentially means many more puzzles than I’ve seen so far. And to the best of my ability to determine, at this point the puzzles become impossible. Give up.

mario's-picross-cartridge - Copy

Says right here that it’s Super Game Boy compatible. Next to Mario’s soulless, vacant stare.

Oh yeah, this game is enhanced by the Super Game Boy. It doesn’t do much. I didn’t notice any fancy colorization like some games do (and yet still can look inferior to their Game Gear counterparts as “Star Trek Generations” showed). All I saw were two different borders around the screen. I would suggest playing it using the Super Game Boy since I’d imagine whatever appears on the TV screen would be easier to see than on the Game Boy’s screen, unless your SNES is connected to your Game Gear. Sometimes exhaustion and insufficient lighting make the tiny numbers blend together.

Yup, That’s It



“HAHA! Your official movie tie-in jigsaw puzzle shows a version of the ship that didn’t appear in the movie!” See? Doesn’t work. You can’t make fun of a jigsaw puzzle. Image from Fordos Models

To those expecting a scathing review like I gave to “They Were 11”, sorry to disappoint.   The material is lacking. What exactly am I going to make fun of? TELL ME! There’s no plot to put holes in, other than apparently Mario committing vandalism against Egyptian landmarks which last I heard was a criminal offense. Other than this bizarre item there’s nothing to mock, there’s no there there as our thought leaders like to say. It’d be like making fun of a jigsaw puzzle.

I find this game addicting. It has a strange effect on me, to where it puts me to sleep after I’ve done a few of the puzzles. So… I’m addicted to a sedative. Mario’s Picross is part of the opioid epidemic.

mario's-picross-wink - Copy

Title Screen for a Schedule II Controlled Video Game